yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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