margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
