We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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