dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
