I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That accounts for only three of the penises
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
