How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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