make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
