Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize