just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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