The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize