Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
