some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
