I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
