Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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