for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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