My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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