He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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