There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
