i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
