If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
