Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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