Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
