I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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