Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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