I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
