"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
