I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
