I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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