So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
