I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
