The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
