Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
