i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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