We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
