I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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