I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
