My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
