I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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