my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
