I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
