Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize