and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
