I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have fence marks all over my body
as a side note pls kill me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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