i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You took a bar mat shot.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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