I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
