I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
