just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
false alarm, still single
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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