i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
