I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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