would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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