I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
