I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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