i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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