I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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