highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
