he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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