I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
