Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
