I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
