So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize