When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
