What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We left the knife in your bed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
