i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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