then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
