I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
