I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
